You don't have asthma, your pregnant
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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