you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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