omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
