i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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