All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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