I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Randomize
