im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
