Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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