I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
