Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
