On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
