If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
