i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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