They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
