Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Randomize
