...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
should my penis look like a turkey
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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