look no pants
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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