Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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