she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
