can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
