11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
