If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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