Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
