Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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