Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
