Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
