i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
