I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
