well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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