I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
