her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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