Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
