My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
