Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
