What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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