he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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