I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
