Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
