You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
They are going to name an STD after you.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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