I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
