Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
