Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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