I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
