please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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