Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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