Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
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