Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
