I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
