Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
