Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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